The Great Pretender
Portray a calm front when you are angry.
Laugh away when you are sad.
Act wise when ignorance is looming.
Be kind when you actually do not like his/her presence.
Remain quiet in an argument so as not to escalate the conflict.
Stand up for a person who is treated unfairly while fueled by rage and disappointment.
Behave yourself in the presence of others.
Flaunt your skills for recognition.
Patiently coach a colleague while feeling superior yourself.
Scheme to bring your plan to fruition.
Familiar to you? I have done all of the above and more without qualms since these are commendable traits, at least that was what I believed in. I was manoeuvring my life based on these principles – be good and be skilful and I was rewarded for it. I did not harm anyone or myself intentionally, so there was absolutely nothing wrong with what I was doing. However, the constant uneasiness that bugged me never quite went away. Not knowing what it was, I conveniently brushed it aside, never once questioned it, in fact never knew I had to.
Fast forward to years later, I was introduced to the journey of inquiring oneself. Awareness began to shine light on the "great pretender". Dawned on me that I had played the game well but really it was to my real shame. I did not like what I saw. I was convinced I was a fake and so full of myself. Fame turned into shame. From superior became inferior. The great pretender never left, it hopped onto the spiritual wagon. I wanted to overwrite what I was and replace it with what I deemed is good. I wanted to shed off the great pretender skin and don an authentic one. I was still holding on to those principles – be good and be skilful.
Awareness alone is not enough without understanding reality. There is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to be good and skilful for they are supportive conditions. However, what is “wrong” is not knowing how they came to be - not knowing conditionality, not knowing views, not knowing defilements, not knowing nature, not knowing mind-object. Not knowing is the cause of the uneasiness! Without any understanding, I would have held on to the ideas on how a good person should behave and never knowing what is. Thankfully with some understanding, experiences are now objects of learning. It is from these learnings, the wrong views are gradually straightened, and what remains is freedom from needing to become this or that. It understands what is necessary and what is not necessary in this journey of self-inquiry.
I still stumble. I still fall. However, I know I have The Way with me. With that, struggle becomes slightly more infrequent and is replaced with clarity. I remember there was one time I was so disheartened knowing that there is so much more to learn in this journey, that the learning process seems never-ending, an uphill task. With the grace of non-forgetting, it was shown so clearly that the learning itself is already The Way and the ‘so much more to learn’ is nothing but just a thought. When the attitude is right, it is The Way! This is freedom.
In grace,
Hung Leng
on behalf of The WISE Team
Newsletter 27 October 2020