The Skippedy Girl and Her Quest

I was recommended to Clove and Clive, the former name for WISE, in 2012. At the time, I was going through anxiety that eventually led to a panic attack, and gradually, depression. What made it harder was that there was no apparent cause. My life was fairly supportive, and that knowledge only heightened the anxiety further because there was no reason to pinpoint what was causing it.

I vividly remember the first time I stepped into the Clove and Clive centre. The place was beautifully set up, red cushion mats on the floor, books on mindfulness, everything just right. It was a Tuesday with Yourself session. The crowd was not large, which was perfect for someone going through anxiety.

I remember those early years. The moment Tuck Loon began to speak, my brain became a dry sponge meeting water for the first time, drinking in everything he said with quiet awe. It was like stepping into a world that blended science fiction, a mystery novel, and The X-Files all at once, and yet, the Right Information felt like coming home. And I wanted to hear more. That thirst to hear more brought me back every week and eventually led me to sign up for a Mindfulness—A Starting Point course.

I also remember the phrase mind and object. It stuck with me. It was something Tuck Loon would say repeatedly, in almost every talk he gave. I knew he meant more than what I thought I understood. I knew it was not simply that the object is one while the mind is another. It cannot be this simple, I thought to myself, else he would not need to say it to us so repeatedly. There was something deeper beneath those words, and I could feel it.

So every day became a quiet quest to find out what mind and object truly meant, beyond what I thought I already knew. It felt exciting, like being on the trail of a mystery waiting to be solved. I have always loved a good riddle-solving, you see.

One day in the office, while staring at the phrase mind and object, the first understanding arose. The characters written on the page are not what they seem to be. What they seem to be, characters written on a page, that have nothing to do with me, is what we believe in. But the characters are not separated from the mind itself. They were not on the page of the book. Neither were they coming from my brain. I was in awe.

Then, another time, while doing my laundry, I found myself reflecting on understanding, asking what the difference is between understanding and I understand. The mind already sensed that understanding cannot simply be a matter of figuring something out, the way one solves a mathematical problem. And then the understanding arose to show the contrast, not as a conclusion, but as a revelation. It arrives, rather than being reached. That very arising, that was understanding itself. And it was nothing like solving a mathematical problem. What arose was nothing of this world.

The third time was when awareness was blatantly shown. We so often lament that we lost awareness a moment ago, and completely discarding the fact that knowing that we are aware we lost awareness is itself awareness. That realisation made me leap with joy. It also pointed to something deeper: how we have always been looking at things in a terribly skewed way, never noticing the closest thing happening right under our noses.

The fourth time, which was somewhat similar to the understanding of mind and object, was when the idea of hearing was debunked. We always thought that when a bell is rung, or any sound, for that matter, our hearing picks it up, and hence we hear the bell ring. In reality, the ringing of the bell does not come from the bell, nor does it come from our ear or brain. That very happening of “I hear the bell ring” is a culmination of mental factors that I, in a conventional sense, do not have a part of. Same goes to pain which is in reality a sensation not of the body. I was blown away.

The fifth time was when delusion was shown. We can be doing something that seems very logical, structured, and rational, as simple as walking towards a destination at a prescribed time of arrival. It seems innocent and simple, right? The mind was so clear, or it thought it was. The moment of understanding showed that what I thought was an innocent and simple activity was actually a state of delusion. What I thought clarity was, was not clarity, but a drunken state. It is only at the moment of understanding that true clarity is.

These few direct experiences propelled me to want to know more. It still felt like an X-Files case waiting to be cracked. You see, I was never a "religious" person, so this was less a journey of faith and more a quest for discovery.

There were a few understandings here and there along the way. Some came without a complete grasp of what had just happened, and the understanding of how they arose only surfaced some months later. But nothing is really lost, you know. You may have experienced something like this too: all of a sudden, your panic attack lifts, your anger disappears into thin air, and your stressful thoughts dissolve without a single trace. And yet, in that moment, there was no realisation of what had just happened. It simply needed to be acknowledged, and then you trot along. And so I happily carried on with the quest for discovery.

If I were to use an analogy, this journey in my space is like a little girl skipping along a path, and with every hidden clue she discovers, she simply skips on, eager to find the next clue.

Then, one fine day, the quest for discovery deepened into something much profound. That was the first time the understanding of attachment arose. And the object could not have been more fitting, for it was about faith itself. Whether our faith is propelled by belief (illusion), after all.

I relentlessly questioned. What if my faith in this journey is make-believe? What if the faith people place in the awakened ones is make-believe? What if all the little understandings gathered to date simply make one believe they are set on the path to liberation, a destination I did not even fully understand, and that too is also a make-believe? What if awakening is a make-believe?!

Then the understanding arrived as a silent explosion, which cuts off all the noises. What I had been questioning, whether faith is propelled by belief, that very questioning was in itself stemmed from belief. An attachment, no less. Which meant I had been swallowed whole by a story of “Hung Leng figuring out whether faith is make-believe”. The angle from which the exploration was framed was the setup, waiting to be recognized. The question does not need answering in the conventional sense. What it needs is right seeing, seeing that the whole scene is the setup, the make-believe. And in that moment, something became clear. This path is not what it appears to be. It is not about placing faith in the teaching, a teacher, a tradition, or the path. That kind of faith that leans on something, that requires something, is itself the make-believe. But from the clear seeing of that, something else arises. Not constructed. Not chosen. Just Faith arising from Understanding.

The path is not "out there." It is not a destination to arrive at. It is not about determining whether this or that is nature. It is not about searching for truth. To put it simply: it is about discovering what is obscuring the truth; it is about discovering our standard operating system.

It showed me the contrast between standing in the position of appearance and standing in the position of understanding. The doubt I had only a moment ago was absolutely unfounded and silly. When we do not know, we are drawn into appearances. When we know, it is simply appearances.

At the position of appearances, disputes, doubts, and differences can breed. But at the position of understanding, there is only the silence of an indisputable recognition. Not because understanding is so almighty and majestic, but because conflict can only arise where there is attachment.

So, from that point on, the skippedy girl skipping around and discovering hidden clues knew for the first time that there was no turning back. The wheel had been set in motion. Everything here is not what it seems to be, no matter how logical or structured it appears. Even something as ordinary as walking to the train station, or engaging in a conversation with someone, or reading this article, is not what it seems to be. There is a veil hindering us from seeing reality as it truly is. What we are experiencing now is the appearance of reality. Our only job is to learn and continue refining the 3-Meditator’s Job correctly, and through this refinement, the veil lifts accordingly.

And so the quest continues until every last leaf is overturned. There will be knocks and sharp corners along the way. There will be bouts of forgetfulness. But I have faith that everything has fallen into place, until this too is debunked…

In grace,
Lee Hung Leng
16 June 2026