My Self and My World
Much, if not all, of what I believe to be what I am and what I think the world is, are all biases. I call it bias because it comes from my perspective or my point of view; me as the central point of reference from which everything else revolves around. I had to come first before everything else. Surely, no? Although this error may be obvious to some of you, for most of my life, I have always depended on the external to learn, to understand about myself, and to know how I view my world.
I was trying to make sense of it all. Not knowing what this life that was thrust upon me is all about. I could only watch, listen and find a way to find a purpose. But from the get-go, I was given the purpose. Not by choice. I was told to fit in. Be a good girl, so my parents will love me. Never talk back, so others will like me. Do as told so that I will be fine in life. Get good grades so I can be a successful person. Fail your exams and you are as useless as garbage. As much as I wanted to go with the flow, every moment was a rude bump and shock to my system. My mind screamed, “Why???!!!” None of it made any sense at all.
Being told who and what I am, what I should or shouldn’t think, speak or do, and even how my life should be lived until the day I leave this world. Some of you may resonate with this deeply. Expectations told to us by our parents or guardians, teachers and even friends. Whenever mishaps happen, when I am unable to or do not feel inclined to follow as told, and feel responsible for my inadequacies of not living up to expectations, that sense of lack of control or surety of what I am truly supposed to be doing here creates a lot of fear, anxiety, guilt and resentment.
I started isolating myself from others because I was trying to protect my sanity, but it created more pressure from those who misunderstood my intentions. They thought I was blaming them for my shortcomings and that they were not doing enough. So I pivoted to the other extreme. I did what was expected to make others happy. I tried my best to think of the needs of others before mine. Stay humble and keep myself out of trouble. I seemed to be fitting in. Externally, others see the front I put up. Internally, I hated myself for being a fake. Caught up in the two extremes, I grew even more confused. I resented life. It felt like a punishment.
Unbeknownst to me at that time, all the experiences I was going through stemmed from what was already inherent in my mind. Whatever meanings and ideas that I already had, was the perfect setup for the unique movie of my life to unfold; one drama after the other. It only gets juicier. Similarly, everyone else too, will have their own unique movie as it depends entirely on what is inherent in their minds. Hence, “my self” and “my world,” are nothing more than a combination of mind-bodily processes taking place naturally on its own.
When I had the grace to meet wise teachers that guided me to understand "my self" and "my world," it was a major system overhaul. Everything I knew was exposed as fallacies. I was overjoyed! I WAS right all along. It did never make sense because they were all untrue. The relief and hope that beamed from me was so overwhelming that I had goosebumps and tears of joy. Everything now made total sense. It clicked why I am here and what I am meant to do. I found my purpose. Finally! It was shocking, to say the least, but it was a wonderful shock. An awakening experience; to realize that the purpose in life is to come to realize that there is no purpose ultimately.
I then understood that freedom is not from getting what you want or from not getting what you don’t want. That is from the fallacy that you control anything or the other extreme that you are a victim of circumstances. True freedom is the liberation from any wanting or not wanting to begin with, because there is a recognition that none of them are true. If you wish to explore what I have come to realize, for a sense of freedom and peace in life, I invite you to join me at WISE. Let’s walk this journey together and wake up from this mistaken dream.
With forgiveness,
Khan Hui Yee
02 June 2026
