Jealousy

Jealousy has been one of the deepest tendencies in this mind since young. There was always comparison — me and the other person, who is better, who is ahead. During high school, I remember constantly comparing results with my best friend. In some subjects she would come first, and I would come second, and in others it would be the opposite. One day, she finally broke the deadlock and emerged clearly ahead. Instead of rejoicing for her, jealousy arose uninhibited, and the resultant was a fallout. I not only hurt her but also myself, and I had to live with the guilt of a destroyed close friendship.

Over the years, this pattern continued internally. Even if jealousy was not expressed outwardly, there would still be subtle aversion whenever someone appeared better, more capable, or more successful. It was only later, after learning about the Four Divine qualities, which are loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity — that this mind began to reflect more deeply. Sympathetic joy is the ability to genuinely rejoice in others’ happiness and success, which felt especially difficult as the counter for jealousy, but deeply meaningful.

As the journey of meditation and self-observation deepened, it became clearer that jealousy was not coming from superiority, but instead from a deep sense of lack and low self-esteem. The competitive mind was actually trying to protect and cover this inner inadequacy. In worldly terms, competitiveness may appear useful because it pushes a person to improve. But when rooted in insecurity, it becomes self-feeding. Achievement strengthens pride, pride strengthens comparison, and comparison strengthens jealousy. It becomes a vicious cycle, and the effects always devastating.

Through practice, this mind began to understand that jealousy itself is suffering. It is not ‘my right’ to be jealous, but a state of mind that is, in fact, painful. The mind is always striving, wanting recognition, wanting to feel complete through achievement or validation. When expectations are not met, dissatisfaction and aversion arise – self-blame is inevitable.

Gradually, it became clearer that many of our intentions are driven by craving — the desire to be gratified, to get what we want, to have things our way.

By carefully observing jealousy instead of condemning or suppressing it, the mind learned to see it simply as a conditioned phenomenon arising from causes and conditions, wrong views, and habitual patterns. There is no need for guilt or self-hatred. The important thing is to understand. When understanding deepens, jealousy slowly loses its force and begins to fade naturally.

This journey has also revealed that likes and dislikes are merely two sides of the same coin. Dislike brings suffering when reality opposes our preferences. But even liking contains suffering because attachment and expectation are hidden within it. Once the mind clings to what it likes, it fears losing it and wants more of it.

So the practice is not about becoming a perfect person without defilements overnight. Rather, it is about patiently understanding the mind, layer by layer, paradigm by paradigm. Anger, jealousy, craving, pride, likes, and dislikes are no longer seen as enemies, but as teachers revealing the nature of attachment and self-view. Only through understanding does the mind shift and open up to a new horizon in how we view the world and what we call life, leading to greater peace, acceptance, and freedom.

In grace,
Yvonne Loh
14 July 2026