The Suffering of Superiority
This reflection isn’t about belittling anyone, but rather, to explore inferiority and superiority through a personal experience.
For most of my life, I’ve felt the weight of inferiority, often wishing for the confidence of superiority. Being on the “inferior” end has always carried feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, while the idea of superiority seemed to promise security and self-assurance. I believed that inferiority was the source of suffering, and superiority was its relief.
That perspective shifted during an episode with my partner. I found myself feeling “ahead” of him in several ways—maturity, financial stability, and responsibility. As we prepared for an event, he took his time instead of helping us get ready, and frustration flooded my mind. Thoughts arose like, “Is this the kind of person I can rely on? Am I more of a mother or sister to him than an equal partner? Should I leave before things get more serious?”
These judgments revealed a clear and surprising conviction: that I was better than him. I was responsible, dependable, and mature, while he was, in my mind, “slower” and less reliable. This superiority triggered a cascade of discontent, as my mind toggled between defense and attack. Where was the security I thought superiority would bring? In that moment of watching my mind while doing the dishes, I glimpsed the suffering hidden in superiority itself.
Just as inferiority brings suffering, so does superiority. Anytime the mind compares itself, feeling “better than” or “worse than”—it leans into a state of unwholesomeness. Both inferiority and superiority are unwholesome states, rooted in attachment and aversion, with a delusion of taking these moments personally.
Once I recognized the suffering in my superiority, my frustration softened. I was able to communicate my feelings to my partner without attacking or belittling him. Instead of dictating or demanding, I shared my concerns about how his behavior could limit his growth and our relationship. He accepted my perspective and took steps to help.
This experience shed some light on why people who feel “superior” in beauty, wealth, status, or any other aspect still suffer. When I looked at my mind through the lens of superiority, it felt compulsive, defensive, unwholesome, and unloving. Neither inferiority nor superiority is “better”—both are born from different shades of the same unwholesome roots: greed, aversion, and delusion.
This experience has deepened my appreciation for the importance of Right Attitude: not resisting or ignoring defilements, nor indulging them, but instead approaching them with a sincere intention to learn – how can I see this differently? Defilements will inevitably arise, but with the right practice and the guidance of the wholesome qualities taught by the Awakened Ones, each defilement can be addressed and resolved with wisdom and lovingness. There are lots of learn from every episode and no matter how bitter they are, they carry the medicine to love and understanding.
In grace,
Stephanie Chua
15 July 2025