A Soliloquy

Can I do it? Honestly, I don’t know. But, why did you agree to do it? As I reflect, I can understand the conditions prevailing when I agreed to take on this writing task which is my first time contributing to the WISE sendblast. Will I do a good job? I don’t know. But, I will let the typing flow as my thoughts pop up. Past memories give confidence to the mind that it can be done. When asked to do so initially in previous writing tasks, the mind was not sure but still, it took it on willingly with joy. A rare opportunity to partake in something wholesome should not be dismissed. That was how it first started. 

This applies to the wisdom journey too. Through repeated listening and gathering of right information, it stumbled as it took baby steps to plod on. Through interest, it continued to explore and faith grew when understanding kept on unfolding. From understanding conditioning, it began to see the relationship of cause and effect. As things become more depersonalized and objectified, the spectrum opens up. Oops. Stuck again. So dry and don’t know how to continue. The thinking mind has come to a halt. In the past, it was told that thinking was not beneficial for the practice. But, can this be written without thinking and recalling? So much was heard in the past with very little understanding. Doing was its norm. 

Suddenly, not forgetting arises. Awareness steps in to check on what the mind is doing. It is open to what is and words flow again on the keyboard. What is happening? There is toggling between watching the mind and thinking as the typing continues. Who will read this after it has been written? What will others say when they read this? Such a ridiculous piece of writing and so dry, uninspiring, the worst piece of writing. Oops. Thinking and thinking. Judging and telling stories. If not noticed, everything is so real. Hey! Who is thinking and saying all these? 

Suddenly the “I” takes over. Please tell me what is real now? Then as the “I” fades into the so-called background, the clicking of keys is heard as the fingers tap on them. There is a sense of peace all around. Objects of the room are seen. Seeing and thinking are happening. Again “I” appears. I can hear my own breathing. Even silence has sound. What is real and what are concepts? What is this “I” that pops up and then fades off? Stop, step back, pause and find out. Who is saying this?

Is there really a world out there? Curiosity enables investigation and the mystery will unfold. Is it possible that the world is actually my mind? Could it be that the mind is just doing the job of thinking, experiencing and then getting lost in its dreams and fantasies?  Indeed, I am putting my thoughts down and everything is happening in my mind. How can there be a world outside when fears, restlessness, worries, joy, guilt are all happening within me, mental states that come and go? Upon stepping back, all these states that pop up and disappear are noticed as passing clouds. To follow and get caught up with them is like trying to cling onto the passing cloud. It would be disastrous for clouds are merely appearances that can neither cause the “me” harm nor give it any security. Once seen, the mind relaxes into the unknown and what happens? 

The mystery of the unknown opens up. For a brief moment, something pops up to catch a glimpse of the clever trick of the mind weaving a fantasy. In reality, the mind is just doing its various jobs which the “I” has foolishly taken ownership. Though it is foolish and dangerous to believe in the stories woven by the mind, many a time, delusion does a good job. The “I” falls into its trap and suffers so often. When will the bubble burst to reveal what is real? As long as the “I” enjoys playing this game of deception, the “I” has to be prepared to ride this roller coaster called life with its sorrows, laughter, grief, lamentation and a whole list of suffering. Now, I am beginning to wonder if suffering does exist or merely a clever make-up of the mind? I also wonder why I use “the I” and sometimes “I”? What is actually happening?

When reality is seen for what it is, this so-called “I” will know that it is time to leave this roller coaster ride. Until then, learning has to go on as the ride continues. Strange that the ride is now becoming more interesting instead of more frightening. Can you guess why?

In grace,

Guit Yeng

Newsletter 03 March 2021